im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
high people should be assigned attendants
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
