Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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