Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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