my soul wont recognize me after tonight
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
