Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
