The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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