I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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