she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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