Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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