Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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