just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
