wakey wakey hands off snakey
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize