literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
