Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
