I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
