mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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