I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
