i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
two words: eviction party
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
