she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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