my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My ass is underappreciated
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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