I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
