I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Welp...herpes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
