im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
