I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
my liver is dry heaving
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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