Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
