i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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