do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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