so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
