Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
