Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
