____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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