i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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