Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Two words: blizzard sex
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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