I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
