so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
