I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
