thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
