i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
you never un-have a 4some
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
