So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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