I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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