Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
