I wanna bring you to show and tell
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize