My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Randomize
