So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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