Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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