We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
