Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
