well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
