Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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