Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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