i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
