I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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