I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
