what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
