i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
