he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize