come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
