The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
