I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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