remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I intend to get homeless drunk
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
