Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
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