I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
