If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize