come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
