To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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