his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
