My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
