The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
